The Myth of the Mature Man
"Let men see, let them know, a real man, who lives as he was meant to live." Marcus Aurelius
Someone very dear to me dated a bad man. I was tempted at the time to comfort her and call him a "boy" and credit his behavior as evident "immaturity," but the truth was he was bad. He was a pathological liar, a drug addict, and had been cheating on his fiance by dating my oblivious dear one. To put the cherry on top of all this he was nearly thirty years old while both women were roughly 19.
Maturity is a word we throw around to describe an ideal we haven't really considered. A very serious Bruce Wayne recently orphaned, might be called "quite the little man," or "too old for his years," but what we mean to say is not that he matured by the death of his parents, but rather he has gained experience, in this sense, through tragedy.
Maturity is marked by the passing of time, such as a matured wine. Maturity in men is likewise a progression of time; for example the development of the frontal lobe in the brain, which is expected to reach "maturity" at 25 years.
I am aware that we use "mature" differently in the common sense as opposed to the perfect sense. Common usage is actually a very important facet to language; it is the proof of human movement in the odd contraption of Time.
As I may argue in another post, the proof of Time is motion, not progression as we are tempted by modern mythology to believe. I think perhaps it is time which moves while people stand against it like an iron post in the current of a river. Time is something unnatural and surprising to us. An iron post is not natural to a river, it sticks out and endures much inconvenience.
This is why I reject the notion of a "mature" man being the perfect ideal, Time will not make a iron post good or bad, it will however reveal and test its metal. Humans are immortal in the end. We perish, but the Resurrection is everlasting no matter where you go, eternal Hell or New Creation. By then we won't be "matured" so much as we will be perfected.
If men were merely "immature" when they were really bad, we need only wait for them to be aged until roughly 25 years and delight in them like a connoisseur in a good wine. Any bad taste may reflect on realities the man could not control such as being born in a bad or a good year, heavy rains during harvest etc. Women need only pray for outside circumstances to grow a generation or season of good husbands.
In that reality A man's responsibility for his actions has danced right off the table.
Of course no one considers responsibility a supportable virtue unless they want you to be accountable for something that benefits them.
I mean to ditch the object of "maturity" and the many weak notions attached to it. There are men who are bent on themselves and exhibit bad character. They have matured in wickedness.
Another notion attached to "maturity" is violence or the ability of a person to endure disturbing content. There is a level of maturity involved in being able to process many horrors in this world such as the Holocaust. However enjoyment of this is not proof of being a man.
There are some excellent men who will never be able to handle violence in entertainment because they are extremely empathetic. These men do not lack maturity just because they can't stomach Rambo.
I believe these men are in many ways "Real Men" all the more for their gentleness. This reflects the nature of Faramir in Return of the King and King David when the wives and children were taken captive and he and his men "wept until they had no strength left."
A good man is not necessarily a "mature" one, but by the nature of the word "man" we can assume he has reached some chronological maturity, legally recognized at the age of 18. From my Jewish culture we acknowledge the Bar Mitzvah with his opening statement "Today I become a man," as he has reached the age where he becomes responsible with his own walk before the L-rd.
"Man" is a word full of weight, the first few words spoken to Adam concerned his responsibilities in the garden among the animals. It is no wonder then that a man seems most himself when he is working or bearing some kind of responsibility. We "love a man in uniform," because every part of the uniform indicates responsibility. Strength also has responsibility, taking the advice of Peter Parker's uncle, "with great power comes great responsibility," there is responsibility with all power and that is what is attractive to women. But so are the moments a man takes time to play make-believe with his children.
"In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play." F. Nietzsche
At some point our common reaction to a playful man is that he is behaving childish. What we failed to consider is the historical man. I do not imagine survival easy after staring a viking in the face and calling him childish, even if I read of his kin with similar behaviors to the modern man. Read Norse mythology and you will find Thor dressing as a woman in order to regain his stolen hammer. Very childish, not really refined, but no one could support a theory that Thor was a child or a boy, he remained chronologically adult.
The simple fact is that men have always been a bit rowdy, and some who have seen the darkest horrors are known to be the rowdiest of all. Those men in their uniforms, full of responsibility and strength, and daring (the foolish kind). But in a father all these qualities should retain something more, tenderness breaks through. His childishness is put to a purpose, and as with my father, often comes out in baby talk or bedtime stories.
What we often call childish is more often joy. Children usually have fewer inhibitions in displaying joy than adults do. However that annoying pestering, complaining, laziness, or irritability sometimes displayed in "grown-men" but this to is not "childish," merely evidence of laxed self-control that growth and learning (usually experience through the passing of time) are expected to master in the correction of their character. But if self-control was inhibited in character development this behavior persists in a revolting sort of way. Typically accompanied by an overbearing mother who refuses to treat her grown son as anything other than a small child, his best bet is to leave home either by entering service or getting married. His stunted character development will prove trying in a marriage, humility is what is needed to prevent such couples from hardening their hearts toward one another and the man must be willing to go through the overdue growing pains of discipline.
Of course not all men put much dedication to mastering this, and many mature poorly. I was riding the train recently on my commute to school when I was addressed by an old man sitting across from me. I am not afraid to talk with old people, I grew up mostly surrounded by an age bracket of 65+ so I thought he must be a innocent sort to speak with. He was dressed well, and began with saying something about the reusable shopping bag I was holding, the snowflakes on it reminded him of the winter weather we are notorious for here in Chicago.
He said something about how he was "struck by my beauty" and asked if he could take a picture, he had at this point moved from across the car to a seat beside me and pulled out his disposable camera. I was wearing a hat my daddy gave me for my birthday last year and a Wonder Woman shirt, so smugly I consented considering him an eccentric artist. A few moments later he said something about being a 68 year old virgin and asked if I might be interested in changing that.
Obviously, I declined. I am rather partial to my own virginity at present, having chosen celibacy before marriage. He tried to make further conversation along the same line, I told him I was studying to be a missionary and interested in telling people about Jesus but not wanting to talk with him about anything otherwise personal. Thankful I had not given him my real name at any point, I declined any further pictures and when asked gave the name "Phyllis" which you might understand was used by Susan in Disney's Prince Caspian to ward off a boy's unwanted interest.
Leaving the train I was distraught. The man was so hungry for what he believed was found in a woman that he had made my skin crawl!
That same day however I commuted back with a man who is a good friend of mine, the contrast was amazing. My transit card wasn't working, he paid for me. On the ride we were jostled by the rush hour, but it was safe, something as a new commuter student I needed to know after the experience I had earlier in the day. Men, you have the ability to bring comfort or distress.
In a sense a woman really does seem to "make" a man. When the old man on the train said he had been waiting and wishing for a woman, that desire wasn't merely carnal. Disturbingly misfounded and blown massively out of proportion, certainly. But no desire in connection to identity is unholistic to the person, body and soul.
There is a fullness of an image present in a married man. His confidence is fed by the secure love of a wife and the comfort of her presence. His is bolder than his bachelor friends, the charisma of the bachelor is a different and weaker kind than the married man possesses; it is insecure and seeking where the married man has finished his search. The whole man is made clearer when he has the prospect of a devoted love. The fair Lady won imparts a strength by her reassuring presence in his life. This is a wonderful team, the man and the woman. However, like the man on the train, we blown the importance of this team out of proportion. And I believe both sexes are guilty of expecting the spouse to be a perfect fix for the lack in our character or identity.
There is an attractive element present in the married man that is absent in the single men of my acquaintance.
"Why are the good ones always taken?" I might have asked, but I half knew the ready answer, "are you sure this mysterious element was always in them?" My father has told me that it isn't. He once chastised me for having too-high of expectations concerning a husband, "I am not the man today that I was when I married your mother, praise the L-rd," he said and went on to encourage me that men grow but no one is perfect when you get married. "Even the most perfect man will break your heart, I've broken your mother's so many times. Put your expectations on G-d, not on man."
If man is a work in progress how can we be expected to know the good ones from the bad? I want to open up the character of the man. If one starts off good, why does he turn bad? Again, I am using the common usage definition for a "good man" and not infringing on the theological one. There is nearly a whole other dictionary for theologians than for the average writer. By a good man I mean a reliable one, maybe even a charming one, but with a bend in his character to strive toward "Rightness" or Justice or Peace.
Psalm 1 gives us the best explanation of a good man and ends up being obvious markers of a theologically good man (a saint, redeemed not of his own power but by the triumph of Messiah over sin and death)
Blessed is the man
who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree
planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.
Someone very dear to me dated a bad man. I was tempted at the time to comfort her and call him a "boy" and credit his behavior as evident "immaturity," but the truth was he was bad. He was a pathological liar, a drug addict, and had been cheating on his fiance by dating my oblivious dear one. To put the cherry on top of all this he was nearly thirty years old while both women were roughly 19.
Maturity is a word we throw around to describe an ideal we haven't really considered. A very serious Bruce Wayne recently orphaned, might be called "quite the little man," or "too old for his years," but what we mean to say is not that he matured by the death of his parents, but rather he has gained experience, in this sense, through tragedy.
Maturity is marked by the passing of time, such as a matured wine. Maturity in men is likewise a progression of time; for example the development of the frontal lobe in the brain, which is expected to reach "maturity" at 25 years.
I am aware that we use "mature" differently in the common sense as opposed to the perfect sense. Common usage is actually a very important facet to language; it is the proof of human movement in the odd contraption of Time.
As I may argue in another post, the proof of Time is motion, not progression as we are tempted by modern mythology to believe. I think perhaps it is time which moves while people stand against it like an iron post in the current of a river. Time is something unnatural and surprising to us. An iron post is not natural to a river, it sticks out and endures much inconvenience.
This is why I reject the notion of a "mature" man being the perfect ideal, Time will not make a iron post good or bad, it will however reveal and test its metal. Humans are immortal in the end. We perish, but the Resurrection is everlasting no matter where you go, eternal Hell or New Creation. By then we won't be "matured" so much as we will be perfected.
If men were merely "immature" when they were really bad, we need only wait for them to be aged until roughly 25 years and delight in them like a connoisseur in a good wine. Any bad taste may reflect on realities the man could not control such as being born in a bad or a good year, heavy rains during harvest etc. Women need only pray for outside circumstances to grow a generation or season of good husbands.
In that reality A man's responsibility for his actions has danced right off the table.
Of course no one considers responsibility a supportable virtue unless they want you to be accountable for something that benefits them.
I mean to ditch the object of "maturity" and the many weak notions attached to it. There are men who are bent on themselves and exhibit bad character. They have matured in wickedness.
Another notion attached to "maturity" is violence or the ability of a person to endure disturbing content. There is a level of maturity involved in being able to process many horrors in this world such as the Holocaust. However enjoyment of this is not proof of being a man.
There are some excellent men who will never be able to handle violence in entertainment because they are extremely empathetic. These men do not lack maturity just because they can't stomach Rambo.
I believe these men are in many ways "Real Men" all the more for their gentleness. This reflects the nature of Faramir in Return of the King and King David when the wives and children were taken captive and he and his men "wept until they had no strength left."
A good man is not necessarily a "mature" one, but by the nature of the word "man" we can assume he has reached some chronological maturity, legally recognized at the age of 18. From my Jewish culture we acknowledge the Bar Mitzvah with his opening statement "Today I become a man," as he has reached the age where he becomes responsible with his own walk before the L-rd.
"Man" is a word full of weight, the first few words spoken to Adam concerned his responsibilities in the garden among the animals. It is no wonder then that a man seems most himself when he is working or bearing some kind of responsibility. We "love a man in uniform," because every part of the uniform indicates responsibility. Strength also has responsibility, taking the advice of Peter Parker's uncle, "with great power comes great responsibility," there is responsibility with all power and that is what is attractive to women. But so are the moments a man takes time to play make-believe with his children.
"In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play." F. Nietzsche
At some point our common reaction to a playful man is that he is behaving childish. What we failed to consider is the historical man. I do not imagine survival easy after staring a viking in the face and calling him childish, even if I read of his kin with similar behaviors to the modern man. Read Norse mythology and you will find Thor dressing as a woman in order to regain his stolen hammer. Very childish, not really refined, but no one could support a theory that Thor was a child or a boy, he remained chronologically adult.
The simple fact is that men have always been a bit rowdy, and some who have seen the darkest horrors are known to be the rowdiest of all. Those men in their uniforms, full of responsibility and strength, and daring (the foolish kind). But in a father all these qualities should retain something more, tenderness breaks through. His childishness is put to a purpose, and as with my father, often comes out in baby talk or bedtime stories.
What we often call childish is more often joy. Children usually have fewer inhibitions in displaying joy than adults do. However that annoying pestering, complaining, laziness, or irritability sometimes displayed in "grown-men" but this to is not "childish," merely evidence of laxed self-control that growth and learning (usually experience through the passing of time) are expected to master in the correction of their character. But if self-control was inhibited in character development this behavior persists in a revolting sort of way. Typically accompanied by an overbearing mother who refuses to treat her grown son as anything other than a small child, his best bet is to leave home either by entering service or getting married. His stunted character development will prove trying in a marriage, humility is what is needed to prevent such couples from hardening their hearts toward one another and the man must be willing to go through the overdue growing pains of discipline.
Of course not all men put much dedication to mastering this, and many mature poorly. I was riding the train recently on my commute to school when I was addressed by an old man sitting across from me. I am not afraid to talk with old people, I grew up mostly surrounded by an age bracket of 65+ so I thought he must be a innocent sort to speak with. He was dressed well, and began with saying something about the reusable shopping bag I was holding, the snowflakes on it reminded him of the winter weather we are notorious for here in Chicago.
He said something about how he was "struck by my beauty" and asked if he could take a picture, he had at this point moved from across the car to a seat beside me and pulled out his disposable camera. I was wearing a hat my daddy gave me for my birthday last year and a Wonder Woman shirt, so smugly I consented considering him an eccentric artist. A few moments later he said something about being a 68 year old virgin and asked if I might be interested in changing that.
Obviously, I declined. I am rather partial to my own virginity at present, having chosen celibacy before marriage. He tried to make further conversation along the same line, I told him I was studying to be a missionary and interested in telling people about Jesus but not wanting to talk with him about anything otherwise personal. Thankful I had not given him my real name at any point, I declined any further pictures and when asked gave the name "Phyllis" which you might understand was used by Susan in Disney's Prince Caspian to ward off a boy's unwanted interest.
Leaving the train I was distraught. The man was so hungry for what he believed was found in a woman that he had made my skin crawl!
That same day however I commuted back with a man who is a good friend of mine, the contrast was amazing. My transit card wasn't working, he paid for me. On the ride we were jostled by the rush hour, but it was safe, something as a new commuter student I needed to know after the experience I had earlier in the day. Men, you have the ability to bring comfort or distress.
In a sense a woman really does seem to "make" a man. When the old man on the train said he had been waiting and wishing for a woman, that desire wasn't merely carnal. Disturbingly misfounded and blown massively out of proportion, certainly. But no desire in connection to identity is unholistic to the person, body and soul.
There is a fullness of an image present in a married man. His confidence is fed by the secure love of a wife and the comfort of her presence. His is bolder than his bachelor friends, the charisma of the bachelor is a different and weaker kind than the married man possesses; it is insecure and seeking where the married man has finished his search. The whole man is made clearer when he has the prospect of a devoted love. The fair Lady won imparts a strength by her reassuring presence in his life. This is a wonderful team, the man and the woman. However, like the man on the train, we blown the importance of this team out of proportion. And I believe both sexes are guilty of expecting the spouse to be a perfect fix for the lack in our character or identity.
There is an attractive element present in the married man that is absent in the single men of my acquaintance.
"Why are the good ones always taken?" I might have asked, but I half knew the ready answer, "are you sure this mysterious element was always in them?" My father has told me that it isn't. He once chastised me for having too-high of expectations concerning a husband, "I am not the man today that I was when I married your mother, praise the L-rd," he said and went on to encourage me that men grow but no one is perfect when you get married. "Even the most perfect man will break your heart, I've broken your mother's so many times. Put your expectations on G-d, not on man."
If man is a work in progress how can we be expected to know the good ones from the bad? I want to open up the character of the man. If one starts off good, why does he turn bad? Again, I am using the common usage definition for a "good man" and not infringing on the theological one. There is nearly a whole other dictionary for theologians than for the average writer. By a good man I mean a reliable one, maybe even a charming one, but with a bend in his character to strive toward "Rightness" or Justice or Peace.
Psalm 1 gives us the best explanation of a good man and ends up being obvious markers of a theologically good man (a saint, redeemed not of his own power but by the triumph of Messiah over sin and death)
Blessed is the man
who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree
planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.
The wicked are not so,
but are like chaff that the wind drives away.
Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;
for the Lord knows the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.
Having suggested in Who Can Find Her what sort of woman a christian man should look for in a wife, I want to suggest here what kind of man christian women should look for in a husband.
A man who delights in the word of the L-rd, who has courage and gentleness. His heart devoted to the L-rd and his ear inclined to heaven. Bounding with Joy and contented. A man of G-d is also aware of those around him being prepared to protect.
He is a sheepdog, and as often as he can play and bound over the green grass he also tries to defend all that he loves from an attack.
Another marker of the "good man" is his humility. He bows himself before G-d and delights in His presence. A friend of mine once told me how he and his friend had time on their hands and his friend suggested they pray together. They prayed for nearly two hours, "Tirzah, if you ever have a chance to marry a man like that, do it." I wholeheartedly agreed, if a man is seeking the L-rd I can trust him to lead our family. If he makes a mistake he will repent. A man who delights in the L-rd is a teachable man, full of compassion and generosity. A man lead by the Holy Spirit is the best kind to find, he is safe and bent on good. He will be very trying and hard to live with when you your self are at odds with the Spirit. But he is a good father, full of hope and strength.
So men, be brave in your pursuit of holiness, grow in courage by humility. Don't try to be mature, try to be good. Against all nature, be planted. Be washed in the Word of G-d and steeped in His presence through prayer. Don't be afraid of constancy. Please do not be so distracted by probability to forget possibility.
Sisters, it is not a question or a quest to find a "mature" husband, or one who has no history with pornography or a thousand other factor that we fit into our idea of an ideal husband. The man of G-d is not perfect, yet he is actively being perfected as he seeks to imitate Christ. Try to extend grace for immature behavior to the extent that you hope to have extended to you. I understand that some men are irresponsible, manipulative, and simply bad, but I also know good men who are just afraid of falling in love as we are. Men who are afraid to fail you and who are learning what it looks like to offer you their world. it is going to be messy for a while. Men don't come prepackaged as perfect husbands.
Give them room to grow and learn in security. Maturity is not the highest virtue.
Better to find a man who fears G-d.
He will be afraid of nothing else.
Doodle credit: Zemblanity (Instagram)
but are like chaff that the wind drives away.
Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;
for the Lord knows the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.
Having suggested in Who Can Find Her what sort of woman a christian man should look for in a wife, I want to suggest here what kind of man christian women should look for in a husband.
A man who delights in the word of the L-rd, who has courage and gentleness. His heart devoted to the L-rd and his ear inclined to heaven. Bounding with Joy and contented. A man of G-d is also aware of those around him being prepared to protect.
He is a sheepdog, and as often as he can play and bound over the green grass he also tries to defend all that he loves from an attack.
Another marker of the "good man" is his humility. He bows himself before G-d and delights in His presence. A friend of mine once told me how he and his friend had time on their hands and his friend suggested they pray together. They prayed for nearly two hours, "Tirzah, if you ever have a chance to marry a man like that, do it." I wholeheartedly agreed, if a man is seeking the L-rd I can trust him to lead our family. If he makes a mistake he will repent. A man who delights in the L-rd is a teachable man, full of compassion and generosity. A man lead by the Holy Spirit is the best kind to find, he is safe and bent on good. He will be very trying and hard to live with when you your self are at odds with the Spirit. But he is a good father, full of hope and strength.
So men, be brave in your pursuit of holiness, grow in courage by humility. Don't try to be mature, try to be good. Against all nature, be planted. Be washed in the Word of G-d and steeped in His presence through prayer. Don't be afraid of constancy. Please do not be so distracted by probability to forget possibility.
Sisters, it is not a question or a quest to find a "mature" husband, or one who has no history with pornography or a thousand other factor that we fit into our idea of an ideal husband. The man of G-d is not perfect, yet he is actively being perfected as he seeks to imitate Christ. Try to extend grace for immature behavior to the extent that you hope to have extended to you. I understand that some men are irresponsible, manipulative, and simply bad, but I also know good men who are just afraid of falling in love as we are. Men who are afraid to fail you and who are learning what it looks like to offer you their world. it is going to be messy for a while. Men don't come prepackaged as perfect husbands.
Give them room to grow and learn in security. Maturity is not the highest virtue.
Better to find a man who fears G-d.
He will be afraid of nothing else.
Doodle credit: Zemblanity (Instagram)
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