When Paradise was Lost
It has taken me a few days to write anything about this, this last week it seemed as if everyone around me was preparing for their Hallmark season while I watched behind a dark glass in a Charles Dickens book or a Tim Burton film.
As I walked around campus the usual courtesy of "How are you?" Was exchanged multiple times.
My heart came up to my throat, and if I didn't brush off a response such as "well, I am alive," then I spoke the truth that I wish with my whole heart had been a lie.
"My whole town burned down. Yes, the whole town, including our house and all my books."
I choked back another loss, my wedding dress.
Why did I have a wedding dress? I am not dating anyone and I have had it for about four or five years sitting in my room in it's 1935 cardboard box shaped like a book.
It was a chance find in the antique store friends of ours ran in the town. $60.00 + tax. Mum urged me to try it on.
It fit perfectly.
The smooth cape came off the shoulders and followed the skirt past my ankles in a short train.
The sleeves hit my wrists perfectly. The head peice sat so well on my head. I stood so mum could see me, she gasped, "Tirzah Lee, we need to get this dress."
Having that dress put me through many lonely weeks, it was a miracle dress, something perfectly suited to me.
Every summer I came home from school I would try it on to make sure it still fit. Believing in my heart that if G-d could give me a dress so perfectly intended for me then He was able to make a man who would give me the occasion to wear it.
There were many doubts I had, a fear that I was more than any man could handle, too silly and too weird. Sometimes, on more proud days, I thought maybe I was too pretty or too smart, just simply too much.
But then I thought about that dress. I thought about how perfectly G-d knows me, every aspect of me. He knew me and all my perculiarities before I was even conceived in my mother's womb.
My mother told me a story of when she believed that she would never get married and decided to become a nun and raise orphans in Africa.
She was looking out at the Rocky Mountains in Colorado, and felt G-d say to her, "Heatherly, if I can make these mountains don't you think I can make you a husband."
I can tell you, the man G-d is making out of my father is more majestic than any mountain. I have seen a lot of mountains. Paradise was a mountain town.
Parasidse was.
The words sound so apocalyptic, the images of people fleeing familiar roads with flames on either side looked like footage from Left Behind and not my hometown full of antique shops and trailer parks.
The hardest part is being here in Chicago. 2,076 miles away from the chaos, unable to help anyone in the hell they are living through.
Friends we lost to the flames. The president visiting our ruins. It sounds like a nightmare.
I have a feeling in my heart that I will wake up. My sleep is restless, when I do sleep I dream about being home. Home, just as it was, books lining the hallways, my dress tucked beside my desk gathering dust but waiting to be worn after resting for 80 years.
The loving arms and prayers that have surrounded my family also feel like a dream. The humbling part is knowing my family is the kind that has been doing so incalculably much for people on the ridge these 15 years.
I am so proud to be Sam and Heather's daughter. I am proud to be Zemy's sister.
The last time our community went through something like this was 10 years ago. My six year old sister was in the supermarket and asked our mom if they could buy granola bars for the firefighters.
What transpired was a mass effort of the community to house and feed our emergency service men and women. For those of us who remember, it was one of the most beautiful projects of our community and it started with my baby sister.
As we sort through what has been lost and as people message us with their concern and prayers I am eager for my semester here to end, to go "home" and participate in all the hard work I know my family will be doing to serve the Ridge.
Our church was untouched by the fire and will be a center for relief efforts. Over break I will be helping, I haven't been asked, but it will be impossible to stop me.
As I watch the financial giving of strangers, the anonymous; of friends we haven't seen in years and broke college classmates, my heart is so full.
My spirit is thrilled because I know that everything that is given to us we will give to those around us. It is what my parents have raised us with, a generous spirit.
There was one summer when we were short on money and struggling to buy groceries. My dad helped a homeless man stay in a hotel and bought him a bicycle. Why? Because through all the long years and the hard years G-d has been faithful.
From the time we landed in CA because Dad lost his job after the 9/11 attacks, to the time we were on food stamps and I was dying in a hospital bed, G-d has been faithful.
A dear friend of mine challenged me to memorize Psalm 27 a few weeks ago.
I was at that time worried about my singleness. I had joked that besides being single mum and dad didn't have to worry about me running away and eloping since my wedding dress was at home.
How trivial my discontentment then seems compared to the events of this last month.
I cannot summerize what I feel, but this Psalm is very near to the prayers I stutter every night and the feeling swelling within me when I imagine the dreams and lives that were destroyed in these flames.
Psalm 27 says:
The LORD is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid?
When the wicked came against me
To eat up my flesh,
My enemies and foes,
They stumbled and fell.
Though an army encamp against me,
My heart shall not fear;
Though war may rise against me,
In this I will be confident.
One thing I have desired of the LORD,
That I will seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the LORD
All the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the LORD,
And to inquire in His Temple.
For in the time of trouble
He shall hide me in His pavilion;
In the secret place of His Tabernacle
He shall hide me;
He shall set me high upon a rock.
And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me.
Therefore I will offer sacrifices of joy in His Tabernacle;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the LORD.
Hear O LORD, when I cry with my voice!
Have mercy also upon me and answer me. When you said, "seek My Face,"
My heart said to you, "Your face, LORD, I will seek."
Do not hide Your face from me;
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not leave me or forsake me,
O G-d of my salvation.
When my father and my mother forsake me,
Then the LORD will take care of me.
Teach me Your way, O LORD,
And lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies.
Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries;
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.
Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!
Purpose is a funny thing. Although I won't wear this dress at my wedding (if such a day takes place) it really did serve it's purpose. This dress was a symbol of G-d being able to know not only what we need but what we dream. It taught me trust Him while I had it, and has taught me I don't need training wheels on my trust now that I have lost it. G-d remembers and G-d is good.
As I walked around campus the usual courtesy of "How are you?" Was exchanged multiple times.
My heart came up to my throat, and if I didn't brush off a response such as "well, I am alive," then I spoke the truth that I wish with my whole heart had been a lie.
"My whole town burned down. Yes, the whole town, including our house and all my books."
I choked back another loss, my wedding dress.
Why did I have a wedding dress? I am not dating anyone and I have had it for about four or five years sitting in my room in it's 1935 cardboard box shaped like a book.
It was a chance find in the antique store friends of ours ran in the town. $60.00 + tax. Mum urged me to try it on.
It fit perfectly.
The smooth cape came off the shoulders and followed the skirt past my ankles in a short train.
The sleeves hit my wrists perfectly. The head peice sat so well on my head. I stood so mum could see me, she gasped, "Tirzah Lee, we need to get this dress."
Having that dress put me through many lonely weeks, it was a miracle dress, something perfectly suited to me.
Every summer I came home from school I would try it on to make sure it still fit. Believing in my heart that if G-d could give me a dress so perfectly intended for me then He was able to make a man who would give me the occasion to wear it.
There were many doubts I had, a fear that I was more than any man could handle, too silly and too weird. Sometimes, on more proud days, I thought maybe I was too pretty or too smart, just simply too much.
But then I thought about that dress. I thought about how perfectly G-d knows me, every aspect of me. He knew me and all my perculiarities before I was even conceived in my mother's womb.
My mother told me a story of when she believed that she would never get married and decided to become a nun and raise orphans in Africa.
She was looking out at the Rocky Mountains in Colorado, and felt G-d say to her, "Heatherly, if I can make these mountains don't you think I can make you a husband."
I can tell you, the man G-d is making out of my father is more majestic than any mountain. I have seen a lot of mountains. Paradise was a mountain town.
Parasidse was.
The words sound so apocalyptic, the images of people fleeing familiar roads with flames on either side looked like footage from Left Behind and not my hometown full of antique shops and trailer parks.
The hardest part is being here in Chicago. 2,076 miles away from the chaos, unable to help anyone in the hell they are living through.
Friends we lost to the flames. The president visiting our ruins. It sounds like a nightmare.
I have a feeling in my heart that I will wake up. My sleep is restless, when I do sleep I dream about being home. Home, just as it was, books lining the hallways, my dress tucked beside my desk gathering dust but waiting to be worn after resting for 80 years.
The loving arms and prayers that have surrounded my family also feel like a dream. The humbling part is knowing my family is the kind that has been doing so incalculably much for people on the ridge these 15 years.
I am so proud to be Sam and Heather's daughter. I am proud to be Zemy's sister.
The last time our community went through something like this was 10 years ago. My six year old sister was in the supermarket and asked our mom if they could buy granola bars for the firefighters.
What transpired was a mass effort of the community to house and feed our emergency service men and women. For those of us who remember, it was one of the most beautiful projects of our community and it started with my baby sister.
As we sort through what has been lost and as people message us with their concern and prayers I am eager for my semester here to end, to go "home" and participate in all the hard work I know my family will be doing to serve the Ridge.
Our church was untouched by the fire and will be a center for relief efforts. Over break I will be helping, I haven't been asked, but it will be impossible to stop me.
As I watch the financial giving of strangers, the anonymous; of friends we haven't seen in years and broke college classmates, my heart is so full.
My spirit is thrilled because I know that everything that is given to us we will give to those around us. It is what my parents have raised us with, a generous spirit.
There was one summer when we were short on money and struggling to buy groceries. My dad helped a homeless man stay in a hotel and bought him a bicycle. Why? Because through all the long years and the hard years G-d has been faithful.
From the time we landed in CA because Dad lost his job after the 9/11 attacks, to the time we were on food stamps and I was dying in a hospital bed, G-d has been faithful.
A dear friend of mine challenged me to memorize Psalm 27 a few weeks ago.
I was at that time worried about my singleness. I had joked that besides being single mum and dad didn't have to worry about me running away and eloping since my wedding dress was at home.
How trivial my discontentment then seems compared to the events of this last month.
I cannot summerize what I feel, but this Psalm is very near to the prayers I stutter every night and the feeling swelling within me when I imagine the dreams and lives that were destroyed in these flames.
Psalm 27 says:
The LORD is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid?
When the wicked came against me
To eat up my flesh,
My enemies and foes,
They stumbled and fell.
Though an army encamp against me,
My heart shall not fear;
Though war may rise against me,
In this I will be confident.
One thing I have desired of the LORD,
That I will seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the LORD
All the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the LORD,
And to inquire in His Temple.
For in the time of trouble
He shall hide me in His pavilion;
In the secret place of His Tabernacle
He shall hide me;
He shall set me high upon a rock.
And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me.
Therefore I will offer sacrifices of joy in His Tabernacle;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the LORD.
Hear O LORD, when I cry with my voice!
Have mercy also upon me and answer me. When you said, "seek My Face,"
My heart said to you, "Your face, LORD, I will seek."
Do not hide Your face from me;
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not leave me or forsake me,
O G-d of my salvation.
When my father and my mother forsake me,
Then the LORD will take care of me.
Teach me Your way, O LORD,
And lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies.
Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries;
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.
Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!
Purpose is a funny thing. Although I won't wear this dress at my wedding (if such a day takes place) it really did serve it's purpose. This dress was a symbol of G-d being able to know not only what we need but what we dream. It taught me trust Him while I had it, and has taught me I don't need training wheels on my trust now that I have lost it. G-d remembers and G-d is good.
Hi Turzah, I heard you on Moody radio today. I was very touched by your story. Your faith is inspiring. God bless
ReplyDeleteI heard you on Moody Radio. How very inspiring and Beautiful you are. GOD has a plan.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Tirzah. I apologize, I couldn’t figure out how to comment on here before. I just have to say, wow, what an amazing testimony. Thankyou for sharing your heart. You remind me of myself...I literally lol-ed when I read the part about a guy thinking you’re too silly or weird, or some days too pretty. That is me to a T. I’ve always wanted to be a stay at home mom, ever since I was a little girl. In 2009, when my grandma passed away, my aunts made me start a “hope chest” to be used with my future husband someday. Well, since then, that dream has died. I’m a single, 27 year old hairstylist, and after many failed relationships, I’ve accepted it as it is. It’s funny, we can think we have it all figured out until God brings us to our knees and we realize,”Nope! We don’t have it figured out.” God’s got a better way. I also have a heart for missions and have prayed that God wouldnt send me to be a missionary in Africa (I’m afraid I might like it too much) . Ironically the last guy I dated went to a messianic church. I had never heard of a messianic church before and it was fascinating. Long story short, it’s sparked in me a desire to learn more about Jewish culture/history and I applied to Moody Bible recently. I don’t know if I’ll even get in, or where this is leading me, but your story encouraged me to trust and have faith. Going to college for the first time as a 27 year old isn’t exactly where I would’ve picture myself, but God works in mysterious ways, doesn’t he? Corrie Ten Boom once said,”Don’t be afraid to trust an unknown future, to a known God.” Sometimes we have to make a decision, and God gives us the answers when we finally take that leap of faith.
ReplyDeleteI will be praying for you and your family. You are very brave and God has big plans for you. You got this girl =) She’elohim yivrach otach ✡️
Thank you for your comment! Moody is a great place to go to college after the popular time to go. Ultimately the timing is right when it is His, not ours. I learned so much in the Jewish Studies program. Have you read Jane Austen's Persuasion? I believe the heroine is 27 and after reading it this last spring I found a lot of patience waiting for me.
DeleteTirzah, I'm glad I finally got around to reading this! Beautifully written reflections. I will get back to praying for you and your family and your town; I'm sure the pain isn't past yet. Glad to be part of your Chicago family for your last year!💕
ReplyDelete