Who Can find Her?

"For a good wife contains so many persons in herself. What was H. not to me? She was my daughter and my mother, my pupil and my teacher, my subject and my sovereign; and always, holding all these in solution, my trusty comrade, friend, shipmate, fellow-soldier. My mistress; but at the same time all that any man friend (and I have good ones) has ever been to me. Perhaps more. If we had never fallen in love we should have none the less been always together, and created a scandal. That’s what I meant when I once praised her for her “masculine virtues.” But she soon put a stop to that by asking how I’d like to be praised for my feminine ones. It was a good riposte, dear. Yet there was something of the Amazon, something of Penthesileia and Camilla. And you, as well as I, were glad it should be there. You were glad I should recognize it.
Solomon calls his bride Sister. Could a woman be a complete wife unless, for a moment, in one particular mood, a man felt almost inclined to call her Brother?" -- C.S. Lewis


A friend asked me what sort of relationship he should build with a girl he liked. "Marry a warrior," I said, "Damsels who live in distress will only drain you and themselves. A woman of G-d is not a damsel in distress, although she will go through distressing times, it is going to look different. Her sword will be drawn, not rusting or non-existent." I did not know what girl he was pursuing, but he soon began to reflect on her virtues and her love for G-d and that warmed my heart. Our thoughts of the beloved are very partial to what relationship develops.


Women aren't the only ones who can be "damsels in distress" I also cautioned my friend not to get into a relationship if he felt she was saving him. Relationships like that can work out, I don't profess that there is a formula. But if asked my opinion on what a healthy relationship looks like it is going to look like what Lewis said above, with one of the most haunting phrases to me, "a man felt almost inclined to call her Brother."

You might have noticed I didn't really answer his question. I could only really tell him what I had been chewing on myself when it came to the mysterious work of marriage.

I kind of sat there like Frank Sinatra sighing "it's nice work if you can get, and if you get it, won't you tell me how?"

Every relationship is going to be different with every person you are in relationship with. One of the major factors to consider is what kind of "Brother" you are marrying. It is the relationship between brothers that is one of the most loyal. You can picture soldiers on the bloodied battlefield swearing allegiance unto death in a pledge that easily rivals marriage, and I think Lewis hit that correlation right on the head. It is not only the deep influence of Eros that induces lovers to make marriage vows, I believe that a comradery is a more desirable aspect than sexual attraction.

Many thoughts had been boiling in my head for over a decade now on purity and the marriage vow. For a long while I considered romance to be the determining factor and I agreed with the premise that "men need to be needed," as it was countless times explained as a fundamental truth at youth events and purity retreats. Now however I reject it as a weak statement with major flaws.

To clarify, as a poet I put a heavy weight to the meaning of words.

"Need" is one that strikes me with a sense of deep necessity and, like many womanly saints before me, I found that my soul did not stop in its longing at the presence of a man. I didn't merely, need man, I needed something more than man.

My soul desired, hungered, and sought "Home." I wanted Home even while I was seated under the stars and happily talking with the first man I ever fell in love with. Something told me that this hunger wasn't because we weren't physical, maybe theology prepared me to understand that what people often mistake for sexual need (that desperate word) was actually a present awareness of a "deeper magic". I knew that what I desired was what no person on this planet could provide, and to try and let anyone do so was to be willfully blind to the true source of that longing.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says "He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, He has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what G-d has done from the beginning to the end."


What made Helen Joy Davidman the kind of woman that C.S. Lewis was inclined to call "Brother" was her fear of the L-rd which tamed her ferocity from the possible tyrant to a noble and dignified woman. But when reading Macbeth there is the "Wicked Brother" present in Lady Macbeth as she persuades her husband to murder his king. The "Brotherhood" will match with whatever character you are building yourself. When Kathy talks about Heathcliff in Wurthering Heights and says "whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same," she is talking about the dangerous part of herself, the evil she knows in her heart as well as the passion. She chooses to marry Linton who is tame and good and not like herself and Heathcliff.

This question of "the One" is really a thousand questions of what if's, but I believe that if there is any case for free-will it is found in the consequences of our marital union. Which if we put the full force on that choice as Christian dating culture would encourage, that choice becomes a mighty burden. If we trust G-d's binding together into His own hands however, we will not be divided in our loyalties and negligent in our duties. "The course of true love never did run smooth," but as a stream runs we know all that pulls it is not ours to bear. That's when the argument for predestination enters the romantic sphere and meets its mirror Choice. Both are really entwined in the physics of Love. 


Taking what Proverb's woman is and other women who were renowned in scripture for their virtue and bravery, outspoken women are more commonly named throughout scripture than any timid ones. Defiance has been the fire in these women, from Sarah's laugh to Esther's crown. Deborah, Yael, Abigail, Rebekah, Rahab, Ruth, and Tamar, all women who saw their loyalty to G-d and His will foremost and above any societal expectations. In direct altercation with claims that the Bible suppresses women it seems that it rather identifies and advocates for her to be as accountable and as equipped in G-d's service as any man and many times more astutely aware of His instructions than men they were surrounded by.


I have a suspicion that when women are instructed to "Submit to your husbands" this is exactly because they don't need to, very likely these wives can understand and be successful without their husbands' assistance, which is exactly why they are instructed to submit. It is the willful obedience that makes it a bestowal of honour. A man who has been honoured in this way by his wife will, I suspect, tell you it is one of the ways she has stamped her love for him in his memories, a stamp of every moment that she answered "as you wish," like Wesley stamped in the heart of Buttercup. Because what "submit" really means is "honour" and honour really means "Love."


''Who can find a virtuous Wife?
For her worth is far above rubies.
The heart of her husband safely trusts her;" Proverbs 31:10


The question that is given to the "young man" who is the presumed reader of Proverbs is "who can find her?" images such as Wisdom mixing her wine calling out for passersby to turn aside and enter and learn understanding. A second question is posed with the first, "Who can become her?"


I want to. Everything about her is who I want to be and who I rebel against in my moments of fear. In the moments I don't want to rest in G-d's promises and I misuse my strength to find answers for myself. The difference between Lady Macbeth and Lady MacDuff is when told a promise what is the response? If MacDuff's wife is anything like he is (and as Shakespeare tends to make worthy matches between his players we can trust she is) If the Weird Sisters had spoken to MacDuff he and his wife  would have mourned for their king and feasted with him and desired to gain his wisdom. Lady MacDuff is not one to put blood on her own hands, she will wait, train her children to live honourable lives. She would have been a worthy queen because she matched so well with her husband. Just as Lady Macbeth matched with hers.


For myself, becoming the woman I am is mixed with two things: first, I was raised by my father to fight.

As a baby he sat me down to argue with him before I could even talk. We still enjoy an occasional debate when I am home. He strengthened me in my beliefs and convictions by this process. Much of the fierceness and straightforwardness in my character is due to what I gathered from his. He also encouraged me to fight back, to defend myself and those who need defending. To this day I have a childish notion that I can take-on anyone in a fight, courage does not match our physical prowess many times.


Second, my mother I taught me dignity and how a person ought to respond to criticism or persecution. This combination has had a curious affect with the personality that developed in me and my relationship with G-d. This "something of the Amazon" that was overzealous through high-school seems to be becoming more controlled with the seasoning of experience and humility. (Thank G-d!) I was crying when I was about 10 because a boy was making fun of me for walking during a baseball game. My tears were irrational since I was hitting home runs and earned the right to walk, but their reason was because if I wanted to I couldn't run, I had lately been diagnosed with HSP at that point and running was out of the question. I won the game but cried. Mum said to me, "Don't you dare cry Tirzah Lee, you come from a long line of strong women and it doesn't matter what that little boy says, he was just mad you were winning."




From the vein of what my parents taught me I looked for heroines to be like, I sought to be like Eowyn, or more like Galadriel when Samewise says, "But perhaps you could call her perilous, because she's so strong in herself. You, you could dash yourself to pieces on her, like a ship on a rock; or drownd yourself, like a hobbit in a river. But neither rock nor river would be to blame."


It became evident through many opportunities that required I lean on G-d for my help and strength that I did not need any other man than the One seated at the right hand of the Father. How could I make a man feel needed when he wasn't? If men need to be needed, what did I do with wanting to be a good wife? Those two realities do seem to be at war, so one must be wrong. Either I should not desire to be a wife or men aren't as needy as we dress them. If I believe in the holiness of scripture and that it is inerrant, then I believe that a Wife is good thing and a blessing... when she is a good wife. Which means desiring marriage and to live in marriage well is not something defined by neediness, but rather by G-d. That neediness is not found just on the men's side. In truth needy men are basically the same as damsels in distress.

To men the "Damsel in Distress" is a well dressed and easily impressed woman, he doesn't have to work hard to prove himself, she needs him. She's pretty and she won't challenge him. For the man of G-d she is closer to that trap of the Adulteress. The legends of Arthur are rightly invoked here, consider the pledge to always help a woman in distress, this was used as an attempt to murder Lancelot when he was traveling back from a quest. His sworn enemy's wife called out from a tree whilst her husband lurked in the bushes, bloodthirsty. Lancelot turned aside and took off his armor so as to help the lady from the tree. While he was thus exposed his enemy sought to kill him, but even in his position of service he wasn't taken in, he was aware and overpowered his enemy.

We are drowned in a flood from all fronts telling us to marry for love, we are challenged by offended parties at how Christian's would question the sexual preferences and appetites of others, the short answer we give is "lust isn't the same thing as love!" but are we really building our relationships on Love?


Just as I'd caution men from Damsels in Distress, I'd caution women from men who are just as desirous of undivided attention. We are both many times looking for "civilian" spouses. As if being in G-d's army means we can come home and kick off our shoes at the end of the day. This is one reason why us ladies have been encouraged to consider ourselves civilians in the church. Yet this is exactly when remembering "there is neither Jew nor gentile, male nor female, slave or free," is important, standing before G-d in this battle not against flesh and blood I will be as responsible for my actions as my father is for his. I cannot lean on the service of my husband to receive his benefits. The war isn't over when he comes home, and I should have been fighting all day as well. Lovers look in each others eyes, friends stand side by side, but married Christians watch one another's back.



One of the most beautiful and humbling pictures of the marriage of two heroic warriors is Eowyn and Faramir. Humbling because the darkness that settled onto Eowyn's soul is one I've tasted and flirted with. It is the kind most strong women dive into when one thing they've wanted has been thwarted from them. But Faramir will not allow her to remain in that dark despair. He admires her and wants to live out his days beside her, not because he needs her or she needs him, he isn't offering a need-love to her; he is offering the gift of himself. His gift-love will actually restore her to her senses, will teach her that a good man doesn't go to war for the glory of battle (as she had done) but so that when the fight is over he can be a healer. And Faramir's healing of Eowyn causes her to say "I desire to be a healer and love all things that grow and are not barren. No longer do I desire to be a Queen."




I wonder if anxiety doesn't have more power in our marital decisions than we are willing to admit. If we meet what is truly good for us and run from it. When C.S. Lewis met Joy he wasn't in love with her, when they married he said he wasn't in love with her; he just wanted to give her his citizenship for her treatments. But once they were married legally he came face to face with the woman who was all things, even a "brother" to him. They married in a church sometime after they had been married by law, because G-d had dragged Lewis to the altar and it turned out to be a good place to be.




It isn't going to work out with just anyone, but some people we are closest to emotionally are holistically bad for us. If we are searching for being fulfilled in our spouse, in willful blindness to our fullness being found in G-d alone and our personal allegiance to His service, you'll keep searching unsatisfied. If your allegiance is divided it is better for you not to marry. you might have more pleasure being so, but you are also deserting your post when your spouse calls you away from G-d. This isn't a marriage you haven't seen. For those familiar with Jane Austen's Emma you can picture Mrs. Elton, the pastor's bride who demanded to have the town's worship. The "civilian" spouse in similar way divides the Christian's responsibilities and worship. And if your "civilian" spouse claims to be a believer you've married a coward, someone who has no business being a "civilian" and you are bound to him or her. Bound because your code of conduct doesn't depend on your spouse's upholding of your marriage vow. And believe me, fidelity is a high value to G-d even when you marry someone who is more of a burden than an asset in your service to Him.




My brothers, don't be afraid to seek out a "Good Wife" the one you feel almost inclined to call "brother". Seek a woman who is godly and who refuses to give you the worship that belongs only to her G-d. Strive to be a man worthy to stand alongside her and strive to grow so that you can guard and protect her, even if that is intimidating.

"Who can find her?" the man of G-d who is diligent to his love of G-d and growing more and more in the likeness of Messiah. Don't be intimidated by Eowyn O' Man of G-d, delight in her victories and teach her to love what her sword protects. She is fallible, she is lonesome in her bravery, but don't devalue the prospect of your companionship. She will cut you, of all iron she is bright and clean in your eyes, but you will will sharpen her too.



My sisters, don't settle yourselves in an ivory tower. Do not sleep awaiting prince charming's kiss when you could be otherwise diligent in your humble service. You are daughters of G-d not of peasants or witches, you have been equipped to be shield-maidens and dignified knightly women, but also healers and garden growers. To be she who slays what no mere man can kill, and walk in grace and beauty. Submitting not from necessity but from love.

"Who can be her?" it is going to be a work in progress your whole life, mine too darling. But let's all try to be.




drawing by @Zemblanityart