Why are we Afraid?
Darling,
I understand. Even though you are not sure I can fathom what is nibbling away at your virtue. Even if you can maintain that phantom idea of myself you have meditated on for too long. I never asked for your attention, I commanded it unawares. Courage has been a friend of mine for some ten years now, we were just acquaintances before then. Fear, he has taken me captive more time than Bowzer caught Princess Peach. But my sword was almost too ready.
At seven I had one dream occupation that I anticipated to combine with my practical desire for missions: to be a Musketeer. The kind that are unmatched in their swordsmanship, have a hunger for justice and a courage to fulfill a vow of honor even when everyone around them entered the seductive intrigue of the day.
Slowly this image became one of Eowyn, every whispered word of the Wormtongue fueling her rage for battle. I imagined myself slaying the fears and villain doubts that haunted my dreams. "I do not fear death." True enough, I laugh at it. The Great Ugly that will rot in the ground while I rest in Paradise until raised to Life beside my King.
I have been afraid to live.
Maybe afraid to "live alone." but truly I feel like it that was an excuse I made for myself so I did not feel as ashamed in my fear as I truly felt. Because even when I have been surrounded by good and loving friends, a rare kind of wholesome family, and the respectful admiration of kind men, I feel lonely. No matter how many hours are spent in company or on dates, that fear chants relentlessly, "no one understands you, you will always be alone, your mind is too weak to be thankful, A TRAGEDY!" That last thought, to live in tragedy and discover I never had the strength to live. What a peace to be martyred! To see the end! but endless uncertainties, there I am pale faced.
Now, let's be clear. I have long left my philosophy of Romanticism. It was a painful reality that C.S. Lewis made me wrestle over and break relations with. I am not longer a slave to my adolescent dreams of matrimony, that was another outlet of my fear. I wanted to have a husband so that he might take responsibility for us both before G-d. I claimed to believe to myself, not aloud to any other person, that I was too emotional and scatter brained to live life on my own. I needed to leave home with a husband and "be free to live when I live with him!" Thankfully no one tried to "save" me, they likely saw I had been saved already. (if they even noticed that I thought they would be great traveling companions)
I understand, I am young and ought not to write as though I have thrown away marriage and romance and taken to become a spinster. I don't mean that at all. I mean my worship of marriage, the idolatry it was for me has passed. Jane Eyre helped with that, when the married Mr. Rochester tries to convince her of how alone she is, that no one will judge her for living with him as his mistress, she replies iconicly:
The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad—as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth—so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane—quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot.
The impression of her words followed by the dignity of her actions burnt me with a lasting brand. And this is where I must leave you, unsatisfied for anything concerning yourself. There is one greater than you Who deserves the remainder of my words.
Who am I that You consider me? That You desire to be my shield and my strength when I am afraid. When I am met with dishonest men and joyful words have fled from my too troubled heart? What do You mean to guard when You shelter me? What in me do You consider worthy of Your attention? How often I have failed or wept knowing how little I have cared for you. Or how tempted I have been to take vengeance into my own hands and denied You the right to repay. Again it was Lewis who drove this all home: The Tragic Queen. As the Queen is left to be responsible for her own fate, to obey or to sin, she is told a series of stories by the devilish "Un-Man" leading her to consider Lady Macbeth in a heroic light. At that thought, something entered her countenance that did not soon go away. But that same shadow is one YOu have been driving out from me.
All these things brought me to understand that I am not home. Not yet. I am restless because I want to return to You. and although You already knew all that has influenced this woman who again declares her love to You, bound by honour to her virtues that make testament to Your love, I am saying it again. Teach me to put away my sword, to love my enemies, even the beastly ones who are shrouded in mystery. Even the "Un-Men" who might read this, they will know that I am for You, O' L-rd and not for them. That the tragedy and ready sword are set aside for,
"I stand in Minas Anor, the Tower of the Sun; and behold! the Shadow has departed! I will be a shieldmaiden no longer, nor vie with the great Riders, nor take joy only in the songs of slaying. I will be a healer, and love all things that grow and are not barren. No longer do I desire to be a queen."
At last I whisper into this notion, understanding how ill my heart matches in step with my head and I say, "Courage dear heart, serve again this day." So that I remember I am a Saint, a Servant, and a Beloved Sinner in Your all observing eyes. Even as I make my confession tonight, I am forgiven.
By Your truth I remain forever truly Yours,
Tirzah Lee Walker
I understand. Even though you are not sure I can fathom what is nibbling away at your virtue. Even if you can maintain that phantom idea of myself you have meditated on for too long. I never asked for your attention, I commanded it unawares. Courage has been a friend of mine for some ten years now, we were just acquaintances before then. Fear, he has taken me captive more time than Bowzer caught Princess Peach. But my sword was almost too ready.
At seven I had one dream occupation that I anticipated to combine with my practical desire for missions: to be a Musketeer. The kind that are unmatched in their swordsmanship, have a hunger for justice and a courage to fulfill a vow of honor even when everyone around them entered the seductive intrigue of the day.
Slowly this image became one of Eowyn, every whispered word of the Wormtongue fueling her rage for battle. I imagined myself slaying the fears and villain doubts that haunted my dreams. "I do not fear death." True enough, I laugh at it. The Great Ugly that will rot in the ground while I rest in Paradise until raised to Life beside my King.
I have been afraid to live.
Maybe afraid to "live alone." but truly I feel like it that was an excuse I made for myself so I did not feel as ashamed in my fear as I truly felt. Because even when I have been surrounded by good and loving friends, a rare kind of wholesome family, and the respectful admiration of kind men, I feel lonely. No matter how many hours are spent in company or on dates, that fear chants relentlessly, "no one understands you, you will always be alone, your mind is too weak to be thankful, A TRAGEDY!" That last thought, to live in tragedy and discover I never had the strength to live. What a peace to be martyred! To see the end! but endless uncertainties, there I am pale faced.
Now, let's be clear. I have long left my philosophy of Romanticism. It was a painful reality that C.S. Lewis made me wrestle over and break relations with. I am not longer a slave to my adolescent dreams of matrimony, that was another outlet of my fear. I wanted to have a husband so that he might take responsibility for us both before G-d. I claimed to believe to myself, not aloud to any other person, that I was too emotional and scatter brained to live life on my own. I needed to leave home with a husband and "be free to live when I live with him!" Thankfully no one tried to "save" me, they likely saw I had been saved already. (if they even noticed that I thought they would be great traveling companions)
I understand, I am young and ought not to write as though I have thrown away marriage and romance and taken to become a spinster. I don't mean that at all. I mean my worship of marriage, the idolatry it was for me has passed. Jane Eyre helped with that, when the married Mr. Rochester tries to convince her of how alone she is, that no one will judge her for living with him as his mistress, she replies iconicly:
The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad—as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth—so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane—quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot.
The impression of her words followed by the dignity of her actions burnt me with a lasting brand. And this is where I must leave you, unsatisfied for anything concerning yourself. There is one greater than you Who deserves the remainder of my words.
Who am I that You consider me? That You desire to be my shield and my strength when I am afraid. When I am met with dishonest men and joyful words have fled from my too troubled heart? What do You mean to guard when You shelter me? What in me do You consider worthy of Your attention? How often I have failed or wept knowing how little I have cared for you. Or how tempted I have been to take vengeance into my own hands and denied You the right to repay. Again it was Lewis who drove this all home: The Tragic Queen. As the Queen is left to be responsible for her own fate, to obey or to sin, she is told a series of stories by the devilish "Un-Man" leading her to consider Lady Macbeth in a heroic light. At that thought, something entered her countenance that did not soon go away. But that same shadow is one YOu have been driving out from me.
All these things brought me to understand that I am not home. Not yet. I am restless because I want to return to You. and although You already knew all that has influenced this woman who again declares her love to You, bound by honour to her virtues that make testament to Your love, I am saying it again. Teach me to put away my sword, to love my enemies, even the beastly ones who are shrouded in mystery. Even the "Un-Men" who might read this, they will know that I am for You, O' L-rd and not for them. That the tragedy and ready sword are set aside for,
"I stand in Minas Anor, the Tower of the Sun; and behold! the Shadow has departed! I will be a shieldmaiden no longer, nor vie with the great Riders, nor take joy only in the songs of slaying. I will be a healer, and love all things that grow and are not barren. No longer do I desire to be a queen."
At last I whisper into this notion, understanding how ill my heart matches in step with my head and I say, "Courage dear heart, serve again this day." So that I remember I am a Saint, a Servant, and a Beloved Sinner in Your all observing eyes. Even as I make my confession tonight, I am forgiven.
By Your truth I remain forever truly Yours,
Tirzah Lee Walker
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